What Stan Tatkin has said about Conflict repair in relationships

Tatkin contrasts medicine's postmortems with couples' failure to review what went wrong.

“In medicine, we do postmortems, right? Let's not kill the patient again. But couples don't do that. They just repeat, repeat”

Modern Wisdom: Couples Therapist: Why Your Brain Turns Your Partner Into An Enemy - Stan Tatkin -#1146 (Sep 5, 2026) · Listen from 8:12

Tatkin says quick repair prevents a conflict from consolidating into long-term memory.

“Quick repair is a way to keep memory from going into long-term memory where it's the gift that keeps on giving”

Modern Wisdom: Couples Therapist: Why Your Brain Turns Your Partner Into An Enemy - Stan Tatkin -#1146 (Sep 5, 2026) · Listen from 19:51

Tatkin says couples under stress cannot discuss more than one topic or hold an emotional conversation while driving without it going badly.

“Like you and I under stress can talk about more than one topic without fighting. That's impossible”

Modern Wisdom: Couples Therapist: Why Your Brain Turns Your Partner Into An Enemy - Stan Tatkin -#1146 (Sep 5, 2026) · Listen from 45:58

Tatkin's primary recommendation is to repair to the other person's visible satisfaction, immediately or within 30 minutes.

“Repair, fix, make it right, make amends, properly, immediately, or within 30 minutes”

Modern Wisdom: Couples Therapist: Why Your Brain Turns Your Partner Into An Enemy - Stan Tatkin -#1146 (Sep 5, 2026) · Listen from 1:03:42

Tatkin describes his own rule with his wife permitting anger at bedtime provided they make physical contact.

“We can go to bed angry, but we have to at least touch toes. And that's harder than you might think”

Modern Wisdom: Couples Therapist: Why Your Brain Turns Your Partner Into An Enemy - Stan Tatkin -#1146 (Sep 5, 2026) · Listen from 1:05:08