This One Skill Makes Every Relationship Better

Episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast · October 17, 2026 · 48 min

Mel Robbins teaches four research-backed ways to practice empathy, featuring clips of Adam Grant on 'pebbling' and the late Judge Frank Caprio.

Summary

In this solo episode, Mel Robbins argued that empathy is the single skill that makes people more likable and improves relationships. Drawing on the law of reciprocity, mirror neurons, and psychologist Stuart Ablon's definition of empathy as "understanding," she cited University of Toronto research suggesting people have about nine opportunities a day to practice empathy.

Robbins laid out four practices. The first, "ask, don't guess," was illustrated by a producer who discovered an underperforming editor was caring for a sick mother, and by Robbins's regret over jumping into problem-solving mode when her son Oakley struggled in fourth grade with dyslexia and ADHD. The second, "go first," drew on her book The Let Them Theory, an archival clip of Adam Grant explaining "pebbling" (sending small, personalized bids for connection), and Stanford research on an "empathy perception gap."

The third practice, "drop off paper plates," came from therapist KC Davis's advice to provide concrete help rather than asking struggling people what they need; Robbins described friends caring for her while she was sick. She played a clip of the late Judge Frank Caprio recounting how his father rebuked him after his first day on the bench, shaping 30 years of compassionate rulings. The fourth practice, "keep on waving," was illustrated by a CBS News On the Road story about a lonely four-year-old in Concord, North Carolina, whose waving built a community of adopted grandparents.

Chapters

0:00
Introducing the skill
Robbins promises four daily, research-based practices that will make people like you more.
2:14
What empathy is
Robbins distinguishes empathy from sympathy and pity and explains why we like people who make us feel seen.
3:27
Reciprocity and mirror neurons
Robbins explains the law of reciprocity and mirror neurons as reasons empathy is a superpower.
5:39
Empathy as understanding
Robbins shares Stuart Ablon's definition and research finding nine daily chances to practice empathy.
7:51
Ask, don't guess
Robbins urges asking questions rather than assuming, with examples from work and her son's school struggles.
17:24
Go first and pebbling
Robbins encourages reaching out first and plays Adam Grant explaining pebbling as bids for connection.
24:40
The empathy perception gap
Robbins cites Stanford research showing people underestimate how caring others are.
28:12
Drop off paper plates
Robbins shares advice to give concrete help to struggling people rather than asking what they need.
31:41
Judge Frank Caprio's first day
Caprio recounts his father's rebuke after he refused to remove a boot from a struggling mother's car.
37:19
Keep on waving
Robbins tells the CBS News story of a lonely boy whose waving created a community of neighbors.
42:03
Wrap-up
Robbins recaps the four practices and urges listeners to use their daily moments of connection.

Key points

What was said, by whom, with the exact words. Timestamps jump to the moment.

Mel Robbins
Robbins argues that empathy is not weakness but one of the most influential skills a person can have.
“Empathy is not for people who are weak. Empathy is one of the most influential skills on the planet”
Listen from 2:14 · Empathy
Mel Robbins
Robbins says empathy leverages a hardwired impulse to reciprocate kindness.
“there is a hardwired psychological impulse for you to feel compelled to reciprocate whenever somebody does something nice for you”
Listen from 2:14 · Reciprocity (social psychology)
Linked moment · 7:19Skip to 7:19 using a listen link in the info box.
Mel Robbins
Robbins reports University of Toronto research finding people get at least nine chances daily to practice empathy.
“they found that on average, you've got at least nine chances every day to practice the skill of empathy”
Listen from 7:19 · Empathy
Mel Robbins
Robbins argues empathy means asking questions rather than imagining or guessing how someone feels.
“Empathy is not stepping in someone else's shoes. Empathy is not mind reading. Empathy is pausing long enough to ask the question”
Listen from 9:03 · Empathy
Mel Robbins
Robbins recounts that her problem-solving response to her struggling son made things worse because he needed to feel understood.
“He wasn't a problem to be solved. He was a human being who needed to feel understood”
Listen from 11:17 · Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
Mel Robbins
Robbins says empathy also matters in joyful moments, not only painful ones.
“people don't only want company and support in their pain. They want company in their joy”
Listen from 12:31 · Empathy
Mel Robbins
Robbins argues that merely thinking about reaching out does not count; the gesture must be acted upon.
“thinking about someone is not the same thing as showing them that you're thinking of them. Because your sister can't feel that text you never sent”
Listen from 18:35 · Pebbling
Mel Robbins
Robbins cites Stanford research in which students guessed 87% of peers would help someone struggling, while 96% said they themselves would.
“Students guessed that about maybe 87% of their peers would help somebody who was having a hard time”
Listen from 23:25 · Empathy perception gap
Mel Robbins
Robbins concludes that the barrier to connection is that everyone waits for someone else to reach out first.
“The thing standing between you and more connection in your life, more likability, is not that people don't care about you”
Listen from 24:40 · Empathy perception gap
Mel Robbins
Robbins, relaying KC Davis, advises not asking struggling people what they need and instead providing practical help like paper plates.
“When somebody that you love is struggling, do not ask them what they need”
Listen from 28:12 · Supporting people in crisis
Mel Robbins
Robbins highlights that a lonely boy's simple waving brought together a dozen neighbors who otherwise barely knew each other.
“he wound up bringing together a dozen neighbors who have all said they would have barely known one another otherwise”
Listen from 39:42 · Loneliness epidemic

People

In the conversation

Mel RobbinsAmerican author, podcast host and former lawyer who hosts The Mel Robbins Podcast

Discussed

Stuart AblonHarvard Medical School psychologist and founder of Think Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital
KC DavisLicensed therapist and bestselling author who advised dropping off paper plates for struggling friends
Steve HartmanCBS News correspondent who hosts the On the Road segments
Maya AngelouAmerican poet and author quoted for "when you know better, you do better"
Oakley RobbinsMel Robbins's 21-year-old son who runs a window washing business

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From the publisher

If you want stronger relationships with the people in your life, there’s one skill you can get better at right now: empathy. Empathy isn’t just something you feel. It’s something you practice – in the small, everyday moments when someone needs to feel understood, supported, remembered, or cared for. In this episode, Mel teaches you 4 simple, research-backed ways to practice empathy and build more trust, connection, and closeness with your partner, family, friends, coworkers, and even people you’ve just met. You’ll learn how to stop assuming you know what someone is feeling and truly understand them. You’ll see how to turn the thought “I should reach out” into real connection. And you’ll know how to show up for someone who is struggling without putting the burden on them to tell you what they need. Mel also shares fascinating research on connection, a powerful lesson from organizational psychologist Adam Grant on the small gestures that strengthen relationships, and an unforgettable story from the late Judge Frank Caprio about what it really means to see the person standing in front of you. You’ll learn: -The simple question that can help someone feel truly understood -How to get people to open up to you without pushing -How to stop overthinking and finally reach out -A better way to support someone who’s overwhelmed -How to show up for people in the good moments, too -The small actions that quietly build trust over time - How to create more moments of connection in your everyday life Strong relationships are built in the small moments. And when you start showing up differently in those moments, you don’t just make someone else’s life better. You make your own life better, too. This episode is sponsored by our exclusive insurance partner, Amica. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked this episode, listen to this one next: Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family. . Mel also wants t…

Summary, chapters and key points were generated from the episode transcript on November 7, 2026. Quotes are checked word for word against the transcript.

Categories: Relationships·Self-Improvement