Stop Being Available: How to Set Better Boundaries and Take Your Power Back

Episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast · November 7, 2026 · 52 min

Mel Robbins and motivational speaker Eric Thomas discuss how women who carry everyone's load can put it down, ask for help, and prioritize themselves.

Summary

In this second conversation with Mel Robbins, motivational speaker and pastor Eric Thomas described realizing that his wife, Dede, had carried much of the family's financial and domestic burden while he pursued his career, and that she was the one family member whose dreams and health had been neglected. He recounted his early financial immaturity, her multiple sclerosis diagnosis, and her telling him he needed to protect her from his own demands, after which the couple began daily morning conversations.

Thomas argued that people, especially mothers, are more than their roles and should stop "idolizing the role," stepping back so family members can step up. He urged listeners to make decisions from principles rather than feelings, using the example of telling his mother she could not "give a life for a life" in caring for his grandmother. Robbins stressed making a list of everything one carries, asking whether one is the best person for each job, and letting the ball drop; she cited Laura Vanderkam's research that adding meaningful activities makes people feel they have more time.

The two discussed household chores as shared responsibilities, the ego and identity tied to tasks like making the Thanksgiving turkey, accepting that others will not meet one's standards, and checking whether family members even want what is being done for them. Thomas recommended reconnecting with who one was before responsibilities accumulated, taking small daily time for oneself, and asking family for support, while Robbins encouraged listeners to share the episode with the women in their lives.

Chapters

  1. 0:00

    Introduction of Dr. Eric Thomas

    Robbins frames the episode around people who do everything for everyone and introduces Eric Thomas for a second conversation.

  2. 3:11

    Realizing Dede carried the load

    Thomas describes seeing that his wife, mother, and other women in his life sacrificed their own dreams to care for everyone else.

  3. 7:19

    Making the list

    Robbins reads listener submissions of burdens they carry and argues for listing one's responsibilities to evaluate them.

  4. 9:15

    Financial immaturity and MS diagnosis

    Thomas recounts his early financial mistakes, Dede's quiet support, her multiple sclerosis diagnosis, and how they began communicating daily.

  5. 14:41

    You are more than a role

    Thomas urges women to stop idolizing their roles and let families step up, even if they are disappointed at first.

  6. 18:50

    Principles versus feelings

    Thomas explains making caregiving decisions by principle, including telling his mother she cannot give a life for a life, and the need for a shared family vision.

  7. 25:19

    Tactics for making yourself a priority

    Thomas advises reconnecting with who you were, taking daily time alone, and asking family to give back.

  8. 30:08

    Dropping the ball and sharing chores

    Robbins cites Laura Vanderkam's research and both discuss letting tasks drop, Thomas learning laundry, and shared household chores.

  9. 37:00

    Identity, resentment, and asking for help

    They discuss ego tied to tasks, self-made obligations that breed resentment, and accepting lower standards in exchange for having a life.

  10. 45:06

    Takeaways and parting words

    Thomas urges listeners to make themselves a priority and recognize their worth outside their roles, and Robbins encourages sharing the episode.

Key points

What was said, by whom, with the exact words. Timestamps jump to the moment.

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas said that the person in his family who had helped everyone else was the one whose dreams had not been fulfilled and who was less healthy.

    “there's one person in our family that is not as healthy as we are. And that's the person that's been helping everybody else”

    Listen from 4:05 · Marriage and long-term partnership

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas said his greatest mistake was pulling Dede into his dream without ever securing her buy-in or asking what she wanted.

    “the greatest mistake I made was not chasing my dream, but I dragged Dee Dee into it. There was never any buy-in”

    Listen from 9:55 · Marriage and long-term partnership

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas said he and Dede now talk every morning for an hour and he works on listening rather than talking.

    “we talk mail every morning, 730 to 830. We just talk. And I just listen. That's hard”

    Listen from 12:43 · Marriage and long-term partnership

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas recounted that after Dede's MS diagnosis she told him he needed to protect her from him, not just from others.

    “you're doing a phenomenal job of protecting me from everybody, but you also have to protect me from you”

    Listen from 12:47 · Multiple sclerosis

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas argued that people are loved for who they are rather than for the roles they perform.

    “you are why they love you, not what you do. They don't love you for what you do. They love you because of who you are”

    Listen from 15:48 · Self-compassion

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas argued that family members cannot take on responsibilities while the caretaker continues to dominate the role.

    “You'll be shocked when they step in and step up, but they cannot take the role when you're still dominating the role”

    Listen from 17:46 · Personal boundaries

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas said he told his mother she should not sacrifice her own life caring for his grandmother, who needed a trained facility.

    “Like, ma, you can't give your life for grandma's life. You're not a doctor. You're not a nurse”

    Listen from 19:52 · Caregiving

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas argued that decisions should be made on principle rather than feelings, and that help which does not help actually hurts.

    “So if you're helping people and it's not helping, then guess what you're doing? You're hurting”

    Listen from 21:37 · Personal boundaries

  • Mel Robbins

    Robbins argued that lacking a vision for one's marriage and relationships with adult children keeps people carrying too much.

    “not having that vision for how it could be is what keeps you carrying too much because you are constantly in the wheel of feelings”

    Listen from 23:42 · Marriage and long-term partnership

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas recommended starting by going back to who you were before debts and responsibilities and asking what brought you joy.

    “Go back to before it was all these priorities, before there was debt, before there was a house note, before there were all these responsibilities, who were you?”

    Listen from 25:57 · Self-compassion

  • Mel Robbins

    Robbins cited Laura Vanderkam's research showing that adding a meaningful activity makes overwhelmed people feel they have more time.

    “You feel as though you have more time because you are elbowing out room in the week for something that really brings you back to life”

    Listen from 30:51 · Self-compassion

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas said that once Dede stopped cooking, their son became the best cook in the house.

    “Didi had to stop cooking. And guess what? My son is the best cook in the house now because his mom stopped cooking”

    Listen from 34:08 · Division of household labor

  • Mel Robbins

    Robbins said her family treats disliked chores as shared household items rather than gender-assigned tasks, coordinated via a family group chat.

    “Now, these are shared. They're not assigned by gender. It's amazing what a family group chat can do”

    Listen from 35:10 · Division of household labor

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas acknowledged that his insistence on making the Thanksgiving turkey was partly ego and identity.

    “a little bit of my ego was in there. And I had to not let the turkey go. I had to let go of, I'm going to be that guy”

    Listen from 37:45 · People pleasing

  • Linked moment · 40:16Skip to 40:16 using a listen link in the info box.

    Mel Robbins

    Robbins said that running herself into the ground backfires, because her family ends up with a stressed, irritable mother rather than a full fridge.

    “what happens is the kids don't get a full fridge. They get a bitchy mother”

    Listen from 40:16 · People pleasing

  • Eric Thomas

    Thomas argued that asking for help is hard because people believe no one else can meet their standard, and they must make peace with that.

    “the reason why it's difficult for you to ask for help is because you don't feel like people will ever be able to reach your standard”

    Listen from 42:10 · Asking for help

  • Mel Robbins

    Robbins suggested lowering household standards in order to improve one's quality of life.

    “Can I lower my standards a little so I can raise my standard of living?”

    Listen from 42:54 · Asking for help

People

In the conversation

  • Mel RobbinsAmerican author, podcast host and former lawyer who hosts The Mel Robbins Podcast
  • Eric ThomasAmerican motivational speaker, pastor, and author known as ET the Hip Hop Preacher

Discussed

  • Dede ThomasRegistered nurse and wife of Eric Thomas
  • Laura VanderkamTime-management researcher and New York Times bestselling author
  • Tom IzzoHall of Fame Michigan State men's basketball coach for whom Thomas's son works
  • Chris RobbinsMel Robbins's husband

Topics

More from The Mel Robbins Podcast

From the publisher

Are you the person everyone depends on? Do you remember the appointments, make the plans, solve the problems, keep track of what everyone needs, and step in whenever something falls through the cracks? If that sounds familiar, this conversation is for you. In this deeply relatable and practical conversation, Mel sits down for another episode with world-renowned motivational speaker Dr. Eric Thomas, also known as “ET, The Hip Hop Preacher,” to talk about what happens when you become the person who holds everything together. Dr. Thomas is a pastor, educator, New York Times bestselling author, and one of the most influential motivational speakers in the world. In this conversation, he shares something extremely personal: what he learned from realizing how much his wife, Dede, had been carrying in their marriage and family while he was focused on building his career. That realization changed the way he thought about strength, responsibility, trust, and it changed their marriage. Dr. Thomas will tell you, “You’ve done everything for everybody else and you’ve not done the things that you need to do for yourself.” He knows that you’re used to getting things done, and how hard it has become to put anything down. He will show you how to get that time back to focus on yourself. In this episode, you’ll learn: -How to recognize when you’ve become the person who does everything for everyone -Why “I’ll just do it myself” can become a pattern that leaves you exhausted -Why capable people often have the hardest time letting other people help -What happens to your family when you become the person everyone waits on -How to tell the difference between helping someone and constantly rescuing them -How to stop grabbing responsibility back the second someone struggles -What to do when you think, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done” -How to start sharing responsibility without feeling like everything is going to fall apart -Why being needed can become part of your identity without you…

Summary, chapters and key points were generated from the episode transcript on November 9, 2026. Quotes are checked word for word against the transcript.

Categories: Self-Improvement·Relationships·Parenting