Sabrina Zohar: How to Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Want You

Episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty · October 7, 2026 · 1 h 26 min

Jay Shetty talks with relationship coach Sabrina Zohar about how childhood attachment shapes dating patterns, boundaries versus walls, anxious-avoidant dynamics, and chasing unavailable people.

Summary

Jay Shetty welcomed back dating coach Sabrina Zohar to discuss her debut book, Why Am I Like This?, which examines how early experiences shape who people pursue and what they tolerate in love. Zohar described her own turning point after a breakup with a partner who reminded her of her father, and argued that people often mistake familiarity for safety because the nervous system gravitates toward what it learned in childhood. She cited the still face experiment to illustrate how infants form attachment patterns before language.

Zohar distinguished boundaries, which she called flexible and meant to keep the right people in, from walls, which she described as rigid and fear-based. She characterized people pleasing as unintentionally manipulative self-abandonment and offered a salary analogy for deciding whether a relationship meets one's needs; Shetty related this to Gottman research on responses to bids for connection. She called "right person, wrong time" a fallacy, argued that love alone is not enough, and shared her brother's advice that a breakup means months of discomfort rather than a lifetime of it.

On the anxious-avoidant dynamic, Zohar argued that each style contains elements of the other and explained why avoidant partners "come back." She cautioned against asking about attachment styles on dates, distinguished chemistry from compatibility and intensity from intention, and offered tools such as asking "How old do I feel?" and "Where did I learn this from?" and pausing before reacting. She also spoke about her mother's health, reconciling with her brother, an attempted kidnapping she experienced at seven, the loneliness of healing, and people using therapy language to avoid accountability. The episode closed with Shetty's final five questions, including Zohar's three recommended first-date questions.

Chapters

0:01
Introduction and the book's origin
Shetty introduces Zohar and her book, and she recounts the breakup and therapy moment that led her to ask why she was like this.
3:14
Familiarity versus safety and childhood attachment
Zohar explains repetition compulsion, the still face experiment, and how the nervous system defaults to learned survival patterns.
8:28
Triggers, protest behavior, and incremental boundaries
Zohar describes protest behavior with her partner Ryan and recommends building boundaries slowly to expand capacity.
13:48
Boundaries versus walls and people pleasing
Zohar contrasts flexible boundaries with rigid walls and frames people pleasing as self-abandonment.
18:37
What to allow and the myth of the one
Zohar offers the 80-20 rule and a salary analogy for evaluating relationships, and Shetty connects it to Gottman research.
25:50
Unbalanced relationships and wasted time
Zohar discusses discomfort versus long-term unhappiness, the right person wrong time fallacy, and her mother's illness.
34:15
The anxious-avoidant dynamic and attachment myths
Zohar explains why anxious and avoidant people attract each other and warns against diagnosing partners by attachment style.
41:55
Chemistry, green flags, and taking things personally
Zohar separates chemistry from compatibility, lists early dating signals, and gives tools for not personalizing rejection.
57:15
Unavailable people and situationships
Zohar explains why people chase those who don't want them and how to take the shine off a situationship.
1:04:29
Healing, family, and closure within
Zohar describes the loneliness of healing, reconciling with her brother, and validating herself without parental acknowledgment.
1:10:46
Therapy speak, singlehood, and potential
Zohar addresses weaponized therapy language, fears of being single forever, friendships, and falling for potential.
1:17:41
Final five
Zohar answers Shetty's closing questions on relationship advice, breakups, first-date questions, dating myths, and a seven-day habit.

Key points

What was said, by whom, with the exact words. Timestamps jump to the moment.

Sabrina Zohar
Zohar argues that people often mistake familiar relational dynamics for safety because familiarity reflects how they kept themselves safe in childhood.
“is familiar familiar because it feels good or is familiar because that's just how you've kept yourself safe in the past?”
Listen from 3:20 · Attachment theory
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar claims that parental Botox use can impair children's ability to read facial expressions.
“So kids grow up and then they think when you make a face at them that you're mad at them”
Listen from 5:49 · Still face experiment
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar cites the still face experiment as showing that nonverbal infants form attachment responses based on caregiver attunement.
“what that really shows us is that we think kids are like these little blobs, right? Oh, they don't hear, they don't understand verbiage or language”
Listen from 6:27 · Still face experiment
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar argues that boundaries should be set incrementally because confidence follows action rather than preceding it.
“Confidence is built after you do something and realize you're okay. It doesn't come before”
Listen from 11:42 · Personal boundaries
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar distinguishes boundaries, which are flexible and keep people in, from walls, which are fear-based and keep people out.
“So to me, boundaries keep people in your life, right?”
Listen from 13:55 · Personal boundaries
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar contends that people pleasing can be unintentionally manipulative because it is driven by fear rather than authenticity.
“people pleasing can be very manipulative, not intentionally. It's not like you're doing this on purpose to hurt somebody intentionally”
Listen from 15:48 · People pleasing
Jay Shetty
Shetty cites Gottman research finding that couples with a 33% response rate to bids tend toward divorce, while those at 88% tend to last.
“if your partner's response rate is 33%, you're likely to get to a divorce. And if it's 88%, you're likely to have a long-term marriage”
Listen from 21:13 · Gottman research on bids for connection
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar argues that love alone is insufficient and that proximity and timing matter more.
“Love, I wish it was enough. It never will be. It never has been. Proximity and timing matter so much more than love”
Listen from 27:28
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar recounts her brother's advice framing a breakup as months of discomfort versus a lifetime of it.
“do you want to be uncomfortable for the next six to eight months or do you want to be uncomfortable for the rest of your life?”
Listen from 27:54
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar argues that anxious and avoidant people need each other because each style contains elements of the other.
“Anxious and avoidant people need each other. So anxious people are also avoidant and avoidant people are also anxious”
Listen from 34:33 · Attachment theory
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar explains that avoidant partners return after a breakup because distance removes the triggering stimulus.
“Do you want to know why avoidant people come back? Because they have space from the stimulus”
Listen from 34:39 · Attachment theory
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar advises against asking about attachment style on a date, arguing that people self-identify poorly and that attachment styles are fluid.
“My least favorite question to ask on a date. People do it all the time. What's your attachment style? First of all, people are terrible at self-identifying”
Listen from 39:42 · Attachment theory
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar urges daters to discuss non-negotiables such as children, politics, and religion early rather than avoiding them on first dates.
“Please stop listening to anybody on the Internet that is telling you to not talk about politics or religion or kids or marriage on a first date”
Listen from 49:22 · Dating standards
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar argues that people chase those who don't want them because winning that person's affection feels like it would heal childhood wounds.
“there's a part of us that is hoping that if we can get them to like us, that'll heal every wound that we've ever had”
Listen from 59:00 · Codependency and love addiction
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar says that in situationships one person benefits from the other's silence and low self-esteem.
“One person in the situationship is benefiting from the fact that the other one's silent and the other one has such low self-esteem”
Listen from 1:02:37 · Situationships
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar recounts nearly being kidnapped at age seven and being dismissed by her parents, and says healing came from validating herself rather than seeking their acknowledgment.
“I don't need my mom or dad to tell me what happened. I needed to go back and say, you saved my life”
Listen from 1:08:56 · Self-compassion
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar warns that some people use therapy language to deflect accountability onto their partners.
“Have you ever heard someone go, well, that's just my boundary. That's how I am. No, you triggered me. They're using therapy to avoid accountability”
Listen from 1:10:56 · Therapy speak
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar recommends asking on a first date how the last relationship ended, how the person handles conflict, and how a relationship fits into their life.
“How did your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself? How do you handle conflict?”
Listen from 1:19:42 · Dating standards
Linked moment · 1:21:54Skip to 1:21:54 using a listen link in the info box.
Sabrina Zohar
Zohar recommends taking 60 seconds before responding so the nervous system can regulate.
“Give yourself the grace and the beauty of having a moment to defuse, allow your nervous system to regulate so that you can access your prefrontal cortex”
Listen from 1:21:54

People

In the conversation

Jay ShettyBritish author, podcast host and former monk who hosts On Purpose
Sabrina ZoharDating and relationship coach, author of Why Am I Like This?, and host of the Sabrina Zohar Show

Discussed

Jill Bolte TaylorNeuroscientist cited for the idea that an emotion runs its course in about 90 seconds
Brené BrownAmerican research professor and author on vulnerability, shame, and courage
John GottmanAmerican psychologist known for laboratory research predicting marital outcomes

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From the publisher

Jay sits down with dating and relationship coach Sabrina Zohar to unpack why we chase the familiar over the safe, how childhood attachment shapes adult dating patterns, and the real difference between boundaries and walls. Together they dig into anxious-avoidant dynamics, chemistry versus compatibility, why we fall for people's potential instead of their reality, and practical tools for healing and showing up differently in love. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Instagram Teen Accounts: Built-in protections for teens. JAY'S DAILY WISDOM DELIVERED STRAIGHT TO YOUR INBOX Join 900,000+ readers discovering how small daily shifts create big life change with my free newsletter. Subscribe here: https://news.jayshetty.me/subscribe Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast What We Discuss: 00:00 Introduction 00:45 Sabrina's Turning Point: "Why Am I Like This?" 03:13 Familiarity Vs. Safety 05:19 How Childhood Attachment Shapes Us 08:45 Nervous System Triggers & Protest Behavior 11:01 Building Confidence & Setting Incremental Boundaries 13:47 Boundaries Vs. Walls 15:42 Guilt, Control, And People-Pleasing 19:14 Is There Such A Thing As "The One?" 21:14 Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics 25:50 Short-Term Discomfort Vs. Long-Term Unhappiness 29:47 The Fallacy of "Right Person, Wrong Time" 34:16 The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic 39:02 Attachment Style Myths 41:56 Seeking Connection Vs. Testing For Validation 45:53 Peaceful Love Vs. "Trauma Tingles" 48:36 Green Flags & Early Dating Distractions 52:49 Stop Taking Things Personally 57:14 Pacing Emotional Intimacy 58:58 Why We Pursue Unavailable People 01:01:44 Overcoming Situationships 01:05:00 The Lonely Side of Healing 01:08:01 Finding Closure Within Yourself 01:10:45 Weaponizing "Therapy Speak" To Avoid Accountability 01:12:47 Overcoming Singlehood Scarcity 01:16:51 Falling For Potential Vs. Accepting Reality 01:18:41 Sabrina On Final Five Episode Resources: Read Sabrina’s…

Summary, chapters and key points were generated from the episode transcript on October 24, 2026. Quotes are checked word for word against the transcript.

Categories: Relationships·Mental Health·Books