The Ultimate Guide to Divorce (For You & The People You Love)
Episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast · September 24, 2026 · 1 h 27 min
Divorce attorney James Sexton walks Mel Robbins through his six stages of divorce, from early unhappiness to rebuilding life afterward and supporting loved ones.
Summary
Mel Robbins welcomed back divorce attorney James Sexton for what she billed as an ultimate guide to divorce. Sexton framed the episode as the "emergency room" counterpart to their earlier conversation about marriage, arguing that the pain of divorce is not optional but the damage is. He listed five situations in which he believes divorce is necessary: abuse, the "false self," the "stolen reality," the unrepentant repeat offender, and the "shrinking marriage."
Sexton then outlined six stages: pre-contemplative, contemplative, the moment of decision, taking steps, being in it, and having gotten out. He urged couples to have uncomfortable conversations early, saying the conversation one avoids is the cheapest it will ever be. He advised confiding in a therapist, one trusted friend, a lawyer and possibly one's spouse rather than social media or children. He described how to tell a spouse the marriage is over and a 48-hour plan covering the children's whereabouts, separate accommodation and access to financial documents. He shared how his own marriage ended with the question "are you happy?"
On staying together for the children, Sexton argued that parents are modeling a marriage for their children and that conflict, not divorce itself, harms them. He advised hiring a skilled litigator, whom he said makes litigation less likely, writing down concrete goals, and treating the divorce as logistics rather than a final verdict on the marriage. For life afterward he recommended grieving deliberately, building structure, getting a therapist before a dating app, and making joint public statements so friends need not take sides. He also advised supporters to offer specific, tangible help rather than vague offers.
Chapters
- 0:00
Introduction and goals of the guide
Robbins introduces James Sexton, who frames the episode as practical guidance and says the pain is not optional but the damage is.
- 8:01
Five situations where divorce is necessary
Sexton describes abuse, the false self, the stolen reality, the unrepentant repeat and the shrinking marriage.
- 13:02
The six stages of divorce
Sexton lists the six stages from pre-contemplative to having gotten out.
- 17:11
Pre-contemplative stage
Sexton describes marital flatness and urges couples to examine their routines and have early conversations.
- 23:55
Contemplative stage and who to confide in
Sexton advises examining the past 18 months for grief and confiding in a therapist, one friend, a lawyer and possibly one's spouse.
- 33:22
Telling your spouse
Sexton explains how to announce the decision clearly, own one's part, and avoid restaurants, nights and holidays.
- 39:18
Willful blindness and Sexton's own divorce
Sexton distinguishes blindness from willful blindness and recounts how his own marriage ended.
- 42:25
Staying together for the kids
Sexton argues children learn from the marriage being modeled and that conflict, not divorce, harms them.
- 46:16
The 48-hour plan
Sexton details logistics before and after the announcement, including financial documents and keeping kids out of the blast radius.
- 51:16
Taking steps: goals and choosing a lawyer
Sexton urges writing down concrete goals and hiring a skilled litigator who wants to avoid court.
- 59:36
In it: mistakes and the logistics mindset
Sexton warns against seeking vindication from a legal system that produces outcomes, not feelings.
- 1:03:46
Healing after divorce
Sexton discusses grieving, letter writing, structure, service and waiting before dating.
- 1:15:31
Supporting loved ones and social fallout
Sexton advises specific offers of help and joint public statements to prevent friends from taking sides.
- 1:21:20
Parting words
Sexton says it is never too late to become who you are and compares a divorce toolkit to a first aid kit.
Key points
What was said, by whom, with the exact words. Timestamps jump to the moment.
- James Sexton
Sexton argues that while the pain of divorce is unavoidable, the damage it causes is optional.
“the pain isn't optional. Like They're going to either be painful conversations to avoid divorce or there's going to be painful steps you have to take”
Linked moment · 8:01Skip to 8:01 using a listen link in the info box.
James SextonSexton identifies five categories in which he believes divorce is necessary, beginning with abuse.
“I actually think there's five times, five specific categories where divorce is necessary. One, abuse”
- James Sexton
Sexton says divorce lawyers and gyms are busiest right after the holidays and when children return to school.
“right after the holidays, like January 2nd, gyms and divorce lawyers offices are full”
- James Sexton
Sexton urges couples in the pre-contemplative stage to talk now because delay makes the conversation costlier.
“The conversation you're avoiding is the cheapest today it will ever be”
- James Sexton
Sexton advises people contemplating divorce to examine the previous 18 months for unprocessed grief that may be displaced onto a spouse.
“sometimes it resurfaces 18 months later in a different costume. Like you just start blaming, because who's around you all the time but your spouse?”
- James Sexton
Sexton recommends confiding in a therapist, one trusted friend and a lawyer rather than social media, group chats or children.
“Not social media. Run screaming from social media. Don't lean on the group chat. Do not lean on your kids at any age”
- James Sexton
Sexton notes that the law gives couples no information when they marry, so many first learn their legal situation in a divorce lawyer's office.
“You get married, you don't even get a pamphlet. Most legally significant thing you're ever going to do in your whole life other than die”
- James Sexton
Sexton advises announcing a divorce decision immediately and without reasons, because reasons invite debate.
“So say it in the first 10 seconds, no preamble, then stop talking. Because reasons invite rebuttal”
- James Sexton
Sexton recounts that his own marriage ended after he asked his wife at the kitchen table whether she was happy.
“I said, are you happy? And she just looked at me and she went, do you really want to do this now?”
- James Sexton
Sexton argues that staying married does not protect children; it determines what lesson about marriage they learn.
“You're not protecting your children by not getting divorced. What you're choosing is what lesson they're going to learn”
- Mel Robbins
Robbins suggests asking whether one would want one's own child in a marriage like one's own as a test of whether to stay.
“Would I be excited if my son was married to a person that treated him the way I'm being treated? Yeah. Or would I want him out of it? That's your answer”
- James Sexton
Sexton recommends copying important financial documents before announcing a divorce in case the spouse reacts poorly.
“make copies of some of the important financial documents, or at least know where things are. Like consider the possibility that this person might react poorly”
- James Sexton
Sexton frames divorce as the restructuring of a family business the former spouses will co-own for life.
“a divorce... ends a marriage it doesn't end a family and you're restructuring a company that you're going to co-own for the rest of your life”
- James Sexton
Sexton argues that hiring a skilled litigator makes going to trial less likely, citing an $8 billion case settled in about a month.
“If you hire a litigator, the chances of you going into litigation get exponentially smaller”
- James Sexton
Sexton warns that fighting over small sums wastes money, giving the example of spending $10,000 to contest an $11,000 account.
“There are people in divorce who will spend $10,000 in legal fees arguing over an $11,000 bank account”
- James Sexton
Sexton says the biggest mid-divorce mistake is seeking feelings like vindication from a legal system that only produces outcomes.
“trying to get a feeling out of a system that doesn't generate feelings. Like they're trying to get a feeling of vindication”
- James Sexton
Sexton describes a therapist's exercise in which he wrote letters to and from his late mother, and recommends it after divorce.
“write a letter back from her and have her say all the things you needed to hear. And that was much harder”
- James Sexton
Sexton advises getting therapy before dating again, arguing that rushing into new relationships skips repair and grief.
“get a therapist before you get a dating app. Like too many people go from one relationship to another relationship very, very quickly”
- James Sexton
Sexton recommends specific, tangible offers of help rather than vague statements of availability.
“Like saying like, hey, you know, let me know when you want to get together. Like, hey, let me know. I want to be here for you. Let me know how I can be. Like that is too vague”
- James Sexton
Sexton suggests divorcing couples jointly post a statement on social media to signal there are no sides to take.
“Both of you should at the same time put something on Instagram that says, you know, yes, our marriage has ended”
People
In the conversation
- Mel RobbinsAmerican author, podcast host and former lawyer who hosts The Mel Robbins Podcast
- James SextonNew York divorce trial attorney and author
Discussed
- John TeitlerNew York divorce lawyer Sexton called the best in the state
- EminemRapper cited in an anecdote about the moment fame hits
- Cormac McCarthyAmerican novelist, author of No Country for Old Men
- Walt WhitmanAmerican poet cited for the phrase "hour of lead"
Topics
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From the publisher
You wouldn't believe the amount of times Mel has asked to do an episode on divorce And finally….here it is: The ULTIMATE guide on how to handle divorce - for you and the people you love. Whether you’ve been through a divorce, are thinking about one, are going through one now, have a loved one you need to support, or are the child of divorced parents, this episode is a resource. World renowned divorce lawyer James Sexton is back to break down divorce from every imaginable angle, and give takeaways that you can implement today regardless of where you are in what he calls divorce’s “six stages”. James will tell you the five situations where he believes divorce may be necessary, how to tell your spouse the marriage is over, and the 48 hour plan you should have in place before you do. You’ll also learn how to protect yourself financially, how to choose the right attorney, and how to stop the need for “revenge” from costing you money. James also addresses “staying together for the kids,” explains how a divorce ends a marriage and not a family, and why your decision on whether to have a divorce or not affects your kids even more than you know. You’ll learn: -The 6 stages of divorce and what to do during each one -Who you should — and should not — talk to when you’re considering divorce -What financial documents and information you need to protect yourself -The biggest mistake people make once they’re in the middle of a divorce -Why trying to “win” your divorce can destroy your future -How to set goals for your post-divorce life before emotions take over -Why you should get a therapist before you get a dating app -How to rebuild your identity and your life after divorce -The best way to support someone you love who is going through a divorce James says “The grief isn't evidence that the marriage failed, it means it mattered.” If you are dealing with divorce yourself, this episode will help you understand where you are and what may be next. If someone you love is going thro…
Summary, chapters and key points were generated from the episode transcript on October 4, 2026. Quotes are checked word for word against the transcript.